Friday, November 21, 2008

About what I have in mind...

With regards to a post on my friend's blog, initially I wanted to just comment on his post but I notice I was "blogging" instead of "commenting" hence I decide to put my pharmaco notes aside and blog about the comment..

I know how's the feeling of fearing of death and stuff and ended up crying...No, we cry not because of being a coward and all but we cry because of the uncertainty.Uncertain of the destiny and what happens next after death.Avoidance to think about dying sets in to me at some point by thinking "won't die one la...die already only think la" and even worse of all I actually said that "Am going to make hell a happy place.." crazy as it sounds I know but that was what I had in mind at that point of creativity-boosting milestone.Subsequent to that, I was told about reincarnation and stuff (due to my previous religion) and again I was thinking what am I going to be afterlife?Animal?Human? A wander-around-aimlessly ghost? Plant? Remain in hell? And another fear sets in..."Am I going to suffer again after life?" Fear after fear made me a very doubtful person.I doubt everything even myself.

The fear of uncertainty after death worsen when my maternal grandfather passed away when I was 12.After that, everytime I visit his grave I kept thinking where is he right now and what is he doing and I ended up crying even though after 3 years.Yea no doubt about the fact that I miss him but the main thing I cried was because of the uncertain destiny of his.Is he in heaven or hell?

I came to know God when I was 18...Remember I mentioned about being a doubtful person that I was?I actually had a lot of internal battles inside me whether or not to accept Christ.And those battles believe it or not lasted for 5 months within me before I finally accepted Him into my life.Oh now when I flashback to that 5 months of internal battle, I actually set a barrier between me and Him.But because He does all things unpredictably by Man at His pace and timing, the barrier that I set for myself between me and Him actually "melted" and "wilted" away and because of His promises and love to me I finally accepted Him into my life.

To be a Christian is not about having a problem-free life..Yes, I do face problems but at least I know that Jesus is with me and He will always guide me in whatever situation that I'm in.He assured me and taught me about patience when I was having the transitioning from Form 6 to uni...Ok there is a whole long list of things that happened starting from how I did not prepare well for STPM and was even failing up til the day of trial exam and by His grace I got a CGPA of exactly 3.00(just enough for me to enter medical school) even though I can describe to you what did I messed up for each and every subject by paper.Next another problem sets in, I was restricted to apply to just a few uni only and hence for this particular uni, I was shocked when I was thrown a question in my interview to test my faith in God and whether or not I'll deny Him...Thank God for my faith in Him though I failed that interview (probably because of that question), I was granted another place in another uni last minute which is where I'm studying now.

I'm living everyday of my life and thanking Him for every breath that I inhale and exhale.In addition to that I have the confidence in myself because I first have the trust in Jesus.So Hallelujah I'm no longer a doubtful person.I know that He has prepare and plan everything in my life about: What am I tommorrow?Who am I going to marry in the future?How many kids I will have? and etc.......

Oh and why I choose medicine is because I really want to serve Him in my career by letting Him to use all that I have to give hope to the others who needed that hope in the midst of battling with disease...I don't see myself as a filthy rich doctor in the future and I don't need to be one but at least I know for all that I do is for Him and even all glories goes back to Him for all my success in the future.At the end of the day when I leave this world to proceed with Him, all I want is to hear Him say "Good and faithful servant" for all that I've done for Him.Without Him, I'll not be anywhere near where am I right now...

Yeap I just wanna share this before I hit my books again: "Not that I have already been made perfect,but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus." (Philippians3: 12-14)

See what I meant about a comment being a blog post?But it's really all I have in mind...
Oh to the other readers, wanna know whose blog I'm referring to?It's http://drewnity.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-life-is-really-all-about.html
Til then signing off

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